This is for my #1 fan and caregiver

Christine & John's wedding day

With our wedding party

Earlier this month on May 8, we toasted to our 7th wedding anniversary. When you have a chronic illness like Neuromyelitis Optica/NMO, the support network with which you surround yourself is of utmost importance. My “squad,” if you will, is who got me through my roughest times. I always acknowledge this fact, and the kindness, compassion, and encouragement I’ve received from others are what makes me happy to pay it forward.

The #1 support in my life is my hubs, John. He is caring but not handicapping. He believes in tough love and always pushes me to do my best and be independent. I joke that I have to do the laundry, wash the dishes, and act as my own tech support at times all because of John’s laziness, but if I’ve learned anything in life, we just never know how long each of us will be around, and we all have to assert our own independence to some degree.

So this post (which was originally published on my own blog) is dedicated to my #1 caregiver, John Suh!

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I say “happier marriage” because I won’t pretend that I hold the keys to a happy marriage. I say “happier” because it’s relative. Every person is unique, and every relationship possesses different dynamics. What works in my marriage may not work in yours. But after seven years of marriage, I’m happy to say I’m still happy. And so today, as a tribute to our 7th anniversary, I offer you my 7 bits of advice that has made our marriage work so far. Following these tips may not solve all of your marital woes, but I can almost guarantee they’ll make your marriage (or relationship) happiER.

7 Tips for a Happier Marriage

1. Take time out every day for each other.

The hubs and I eat at least one meal together every day. This is a natural activity for us to share in since we both love food. If one of us is traveling, we make some time to catch up on the phone, even if for a short while. It’s important to check in with your S.O. every day.

2. Put yourself first, your partner second, everyone else (including your children) third.

I’m not defending selfishness here. What I’m saying is, we (especially women) often sacrifice so much—our happiness and our health—to make others happy. We don’t realize how beaten down we are until it implodes and manifests in some form of mental breakdown, physical illness, or general unwell-being. My advice is to do things that make you feel happy and relaxed; don’t put your needs secondary to everyone else’s. Pursue your goals, cultivate your hobbies, foster your own life. When you take care of yourself first, you can then find the energy to take care of others. Putting your partner or spouse second also means you’re exercising the true meaning and nature of the word “partnership.” Your children will one day be grown and independent, and it will just be you and your partner again. Don’t become strangers to each other.

3. Maintain your other relationships.

I’m a firm believer in maintaining my independent identity, which means I need my friends, many of whom have been with me far longer than my hubs. We make regular dates with each other to eat, shop, and hang out. We’ll even coordinate all-girls’ vacations, though these have been less frequent since most of my friends have small children now. The hubs also has frequent guys nights where they eat steaks and undoubtedly reminisce about their glory days Al Bundy style.

4. Know which battles to pick.

I get annoyed at the dirty socks the hubs leaves all over the house: on the foyer, by our full-length mirror in the bedroom, on the bathroom floor, underneath the dining table. I sigh every time I go near his bedside table and find a disarray of half-empty water glasses, iPads, tangled cords, unread books, a backscratcher, and (of course) dirty socks. There are many things the hubs does (or doesn’t do) that bother me, but I’ve learned you have to choose your nagging points wisely. Too many battles, nags, and criticisms, and his brain will shut down, and you’ll be tuned out completely and forever. Now my nagging is almost a joke, and I’ve learned to accept picking up after him from time to time. At the same time, the hubs has started picking up his dirty socks sooner rather than later. Learn to compromise.

5. Don’t fight or insult each other in front of others.

No one wants to feel uncomfortable around their fighting couple friends. Keep your dirty laundry behind your own doors, away from your parents, your in-laws, your friends, and your children. The hubs and I have a special code phrase that means, “I’m upset right now, please stop what you’re doing, and we’ll talk about it later.” We hardly ever fight, though, so now we just use the phrase as a joke. But seriously, we’ve been around other couples who hurl insults and argue in front of us, and it’s just not cool. Don’t put people in awkward situations, please. (And if you must know, our code phrase is, “We’re going to go running later.” LOL)

6. Laugh together.

Humor is the single most important aspect of our marriage. No one makes me laugh more than him, and I’d like to think vice versa. Laughter has helped me through some of the roughest times in my life, and I think it’s vital to survival. Life is unbearable if we take it too seriously.

7. Experience new things together.

If you choose to heed one piece of advice, it should be this one. I’ve said it before: life is all about experiences. And the best way to grow in your relationship is to experience new things together. Travel to new cities and countries together. The hubs and I have a world map on the wall by our staircase, and we pin flags on every new city we visit. We like to think of it as “Christine and John conquer world travel.” Eat new foods, cook fresh meals, and try new restaurants together. Pick up a new sport or hobby together. Experiences and memories are things money can never buy, and they increase the value of your relationship. They teach you about yourself, each other, and your relationship.

One last piece of advice is something my professor and Creative Writing Program director, Jay Kastely, said in his 2009 History of Rhetoric class: “Marriage is solely built on conversation. If you can’t talk [with each other], head for the hills. Conversation provides a certain kind of sharing. This kind of sharing nurtures your soul.”

Happy 7th anniversary, Hubster! Do you have any relationship or marriage advice?

29
May 2017
POSTED BY Christine
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