Hi everyone, I hope this finds you all reasonably well. I am still pretty sick and no closer to knowing the why of it. I’ve had a ton of blood tests. Yesterday’s blood draw was nine vials and apparently the mixing of my blood with…wait for it…viper venom (Seriously!) as part of one test. I hate snakes and that little nugget of information totally creeped me out. I am having a CT with contrast later this week to see if they can figure out what’s going on. At this point, I really don’t care what it is, as long as we can make the pain stop.
I’ve been thinking how when I get seriously ill, I struggle really hard to keep my commitments. It’s this hardcore, deeply ingrained thing of wanting to keep my word, but at the same time, I bow out of being social-I can’t commit to hanging out with anyone. I used to apologise for this (because Canadians are painfully polite and we apologise without even thinking about it) but I’ve consciously stopped doing it. At this point, if you are in my life, you know I live with chronic illness and this is part of the package of being friends with me. Sometime I have to withdraw into my own little world as a measure of self-care. (Or survival, if I’m being totally honest.)
It’s been interesting to see how people react to having a friend with chronic illness. I’ve had my fair share of people who simply walked away. In the beginning, it was painful, but over time, I’ve shifted how I think about it. I realized that it has everything to do with them and really nothing to do with me. I have a sacred circle of old friends who have been there for me, no matter what. They are my rocks. I also have some amazing new friends I would never have connected with if it weren’t for my illness. Many of them live with chronic illness and/or disability themselves, so they get it. There’s a comfort in being a part of a community of people that you don’t have to explain yourself to. We can talk about the hard stuff without it being weird or awkward. (And sometimes, we can laugh about it too!)
I think that serious and chronic illnesses can test any relationship. In some ways it changes who you are. When I am in a lot of pain, I don’t have the energy to be the kind of friend I want to be. As much as I don’t like it, this is part of who I am now and it doesn’t feel good to have to apologise for being myself.
So….this is me. I am who I am, no apologies.