There have been various research studies published by the International Committee for the Study of Victimization that look at people who have suffered serious adversity, everything from disease, prisoners of war and accidents and then continue to survive. Their studies have categorized people into three groups: those who were permanently dispirited by the event, those who got their life back to normal, and those who used the experience as a defining moment to make them stronger. I believe they call it the “hardiness factor”.
Over the years I’ve met NMO patients and their caregivers (because disease affects our loved ones too) in all of these groups. To say the first group saddens me is an understatement – I’ve personally come dangerously close to giving up so I completely understand the feeling. In fact, I’m sure I’ve done the range of groups several times over. When I was first handed the diagnosis all I wanted was to get back to normal. To this day I’m still not sure I’ve ever really acknowledged my true feelings about the diagnosis and all the events afterwards. Most days living with NMO is just a forced lifestyle change but every once in awhile I like to push the limits and make a point of trying to live life to the fullest. I know there are other patients far worse than me, some in wheelchairs or walking aids. Having experienced that temporarily I know that could easily be my reality too one day so I in that sense NMO defines me and how I challenge myself.
As of a couple of weeks ago I’ve been sporting this new accessory. My uncle, who just turned 65 yrs old, is a world marathon runner. He encouraged my entire family to participate in a 10k run coming up this fall. When I received the first email from him my initial reaction was that it just wasn’t possible. I haven’t run or even tried since my diagnosis. In my previous life I’ve completed a few runs and I always found it exhilarating. After several more nag emails I thought I’d take our pug for a longer walk and see how that went. Before long I was working through the back pain and I registered both myself and my husband towards a new fitness goal. That went well for several months. I was even running up to 5k regularly every other morning at 6:15am. But then I got brave and stubborn. A combination of limited feelings in my legs and being head strong led to damage in my ankle and this very unattractive air cast for 4-6 weeks.
So here I am 3 weeks before this run and I want it so bad. I’ve taken the cast off at home as much as possible but it still hurts more than I’m willing to admit. I’m a mix of anger, disappointment, demotivation and pent up energy. This will be my third attempt at this particular run having become ill with NMO and bronchitis twice before. And there are other family members registered who I don’t have a high opinion of anymore and I’ll be damned if they run it but I don’t.
This run is personal for so many reasons.
As of right now I don’t know if I’ll get to run it. At this point I don’t feel I’ll be ready. I’m still hoping to try but won’t at the cost of permanent damage. This injury breaks my heart but not for the obvious reasons but because the last several months have been a glimpse of who I used to be and I miss her.